Hurt Can Always Go Deeper

I've heard from the hospital via a call from the SU.

Pheen didn't have another seizure last night.

But this morning, something went wrong with his breathing.They think, during the seizure, he either aspirated into his lungs, or formed a blood clot.

When he recognised me yesterday, i was relieved. Because I was afraid he's had a stroke, and...

But it doesn't matter.

I didn't help him fast enough.

They won't let him leave the hospital.

My boy may never come again.

I didn't want him to die alone and afraid. One of the things that I held on to yesterday was that I was here. He wouldn't be alone. He would be with someone who loved him, loved him more than he could ever know.

But now he's alone, with strangers...and all my worst fears are real and happening...

And there's nothing i can do to stop any of it. I've already failed him.

Not only is he in pain, and alone, but I'm going to lose the only real family I've ever had. The only person I could ever believe really loved me, even though I couldn't understand why.

When I had my specialist appt on Friday, he asked how my treatment was working. I replied with the truth, which was, "it seemed to be helping, but then there a new major stress we weren't expecting. Our family got hit by--"

I was going to say lymphoma, but I got cut off with, 'All stressors are temporary.'

And I replied, or finished my sentence with, "Lymphoma. I guess that's pretty--"

I was going to say temporary. Seeing how since it's always fatal, if you're sick sociopathic fuck, that's temporary.

But I got cut of by the SU, who was compelled to clarify, "It's our cat."

I was pissed.

And, as expected, I did not get less pissed when asked what we did about it. And when the answer was chemo, being told, 'they can do that? that must cost a pretty penny,' in a tone of voice that was oozing insult all over the place.

But then there was the topper. Being upset about this, he wrote it down a symptom of my disease, because, and I quote, "A normal person wouldn't care about a cat."

And this is why I hate humans. So. Fucking. Much.