Nothing Worth
I did get new meds on Monday. Sadly, these are not 'these will fix you up' meds, but instead 'take these for a month and it may buy you time for your body to heal up' meds. So no instant pleasure here, and worse, my body doesn't have a good record on the whole self-heal thing. Destruction, oh yes, repair, no. But if it doesn't succeed at this little DIY project, they are going to go in there and dice up my insides, and my stomach wolverine is REALLY not going to like that.
So we have to hope, because a fetal ball of weeping isn't going to help. Also, we would like to eat again someday. The wolverine can slice all it wants, I don't think my body has evolved into a perpetual motion machine. It still needs fuel, no matter how much it screams at me when I try to feed it. It can't run on empty forever.
And dang it's so exhausting, taking two hours to fight down a granola bar. Not to mention depressing. And frickin frustrating.
Anyway, when I was in hospital, and not actually thinking or screaming 'kill me, please, kill me', I was also thinking some variation of 'nothing is worth this'. But, of course, that is the vomming blood talking. There are always plenty of reasons why it's not worth it, but how bout I mention some of why it is...
Phoenix purrs. Pheen likes to sleep with us, between our pillows. This means I usually get to go to sleep with one of the best sounds in the known universe: the happy rumble of family. Even when I can't sleep, I like to lay there anyway.
A spousal unit who will hold your hair out of the way when you vomit, even when you've been vomiting for more than 24 hours, and you're vomming fricking blood, is beyond sweet. A SU who is the most kind and gentle person you've even known, but who also storms out ready to thigh shot a doctor to get you a new iv of meds--and then brutally overrules you to get the nurse to shoot you with more painkillers--is the perfect partner. Period.
Med Monday was kind of a letdown, yes, but I got something sweet. I got to play with someone who loves monsters and Elmo and dancing. We're going to be playing together a lot, so it's a good thing that we spend most of that time laughing. Squishies rule.
I've also discovered, at a wonderful time, the music of Mika. It's been great pick me up, although it's timing is also cruel. I can't dance right now without falling down, and when you hear 'Grace Kelly' or 'Love Today' every simple molecule in your body screams DANCE. I've been doing some chair bouncing though...
So we have to hope, because a fetal ball of weeping isn't going to help. Also, we would like to eat again someday. The wolverine can slice all it wants, I don't think my body has evolved into a perpetual motion machine. It still needs fuel, no matter how much it screams at me when I try to feed it. It can't run on empty forever.
And dang it's so exhausting, taking two hours to fight down a granola bar. Not to mention depressing. And frickin frustrating.
Anyway, when I was in hospital, and not actually thinking or screaming 'kill me, please, kill me', I was also thinking some variation of 'nothing is worth this'. But, of course, that is the vomming blood talking. There are always plenty of reasons why it's not worth it, but how bout I mention some of why it is...
Phoenix purrs. Pheen likes to sleep with us, between our pillows. This means I usually get to go to sleep with one of the best sounds in the known universe: the happy rumble of family. Even when I can't sleep, I like to lay there anyway.
A spousal unit who will hold your hair out of the way when you vomit, even when you've been vomiting for more than 24 hours, and you're vomming fricking blood, is beyond sweet. A SU who is the most kind and gentle person you've even known, but who also storms out ready to thigh shot a doctor to get you a new iv of meds--and then brutally overrules you to get the nurse to shoot you with more painkillers--is the perfect partner. Period.
Med Monday was kind of a letdown, yes, but I got something sweet. I got to play with someone who loves monsters and Elmo and dancing. We're going to be playing together a lot, so it's a good thing that we spend most of that time laughing. Squishies rule.
I've also discovered, at a wonderful time, the music of Mika. It's been great pick me up, although it's timing is also cruel. I can't dance right now without falling down, and when you hear 'Grace Kelly' or 'Love Today' every simple molecule in your body screams DANCE. I've been doing some chair bouncing though...
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